That poem was so difficult to compose it caused so much heartache and pain. Repeatedly I returned to its structure and rewrote it again and again.
I struggled to find the words that conveyed what I wanted to say. The reality of failure became so close, it was only a knife edge away.
So annoyed that it wouldn’t come together, so frustrated that I faced defeat. My inner turmoil tore my psych to shreds, until I’d conquered the written sheet.
Rin Yamada
ps, I have not written a poem i could be proud of for sometimes,amid these weeks of distress had given me what i suppose people call writers block.Am i fine now?i dont know yet,but i know im still breathing tho.
My tears cant stop flowing,my old wound have yet open itself once again,how could he did it to a 9 year old me then,and he who suppose to love me the most and protect me,my father ,had betrayed me yet again and again even now when i had forgiven him yet he did it to me again and said he love me, i cant go on breathing,it hurt so much with every single breath i take,that i want to make myself stop breathing altogether.
im hurting so much now and there is no hurt worst than this,i wanna ask god to take me away from this place call earth forever.i dont wanna suffer this pain no more.god,please help me take away this pain,stop my tears and the pain of my heart like a knife cutting my fresh bit by bit and day by day,i cant go on no more,no more,help me merciful god pls.
now i feel like im back at 9 year old lil girl again,and there's nobody here for me.i never wanted to mention it and keep it locked deep inside my soul,but i have to write it down somewhere,or i will go crazy with grieve and pain.
why wont you love me like a normal father daddy?why did u say u still love me,if u do,why did this to me?what have i done wrong?where are u mummy?why wouldnt you protected me from him and ran away instead.
There is no point for me to put on makeup because the weather in singapore was terribly hot.My makeup may melt if I actually did. There are certain places where I used to go very often in singapore but it's to freaking HOT!So i rather stay home,Watch DVDs, read a book, blog, play with the lil babe, etc.. Feel free to suggest me if you can think of something fun to do at home.Remember drink plently of water to keep yourself dehyrated!
Some people love to read and some read to kill time. Boredom kills the brain cells so might as well just read. And i do really love books with a passion. The winner stands alone by one of my favorite author, Paulo Coelho.
I read through a quarter of this book already and hopefully I have time to finish it. My favorite spot to read but not during summer. I was there reading my book for 10 minutes maximum because I couldn't stand the heat
I rather go for sauna. Or play with a tiny "Emily". She is so adorable
Living a lie
What if one day you wake up in the morning and you suddenly find no peace, no justice, no love, and no mercy between mankind.. Then why do we call ourselves a mankind? Learning to love all humanity and share the beauty of the truth, makes every interaction -smoother and lighter, and that's when life gets easier. "Love", most of us define as it is personal, based on experience with a person or thing. "The Great Love" is not selective; giving more than you takes and expect nothing in return. Let's get to the point.
(skip this content if you are not interested in political)
Thailand's current political crisis
Firstly, I have to apologize in advance for not going into all the details in this political matters as I think it could be a sensitive issue. Many of my friends have actually asked me on which side I'm supporting. Red or Yellow? I'm not too sure how to give an answer to this question (or maybe I prefer to keep it to myself for now...) It's not easy to judge people by what you hear about them especially when it comes to politics. I personally judge by the outcome. It's better to see things from all sides, not just one.
Don't you find it's interesting to know why the number of Red-shirt people is increasing everyday? Why are they willing to do every things for ex-PM Thaksin to come back? Many could actually see that ex-PM really did something great for Thailand. Even through I'm not his supporter but please kindly take note that I'm focusing on the positives only. Here is a few examples of what he has done to improve Thailand's economy and the living standards of Thai people. 1) Bangkok traffic used to be worst than what you see now. 2) Suvarnabhumi Airport, it was a total success. 3) Help the poor with 30Baht scheme health plan/care/promotion
As of today, 23 people are dead and hundreds injured after weekend killings. It's really a sadness after I went through some images & videos of violent clashes. Let's all pray to those victims as well as those families who have lost loved one's during the clashes.Hoping for a quick end. Bring back the land of beautiful smiles, and most importantly, people spirits.
Last but not Least.
Just to share a smile for a second. Just watch this his video. :) have a good day.
Stupid people, Gotta love em. They can be funny. They can be stupid. They can be everything we love. They can be everything we hate. They can be anything they want to be. I have been told, Time and time again, I am a stupid person.
Now, If stupid is another word for funny, Then yes I am stupid. If stupid is another word for random, Then yes I am stupid. If stupid is another word for me, Then yes I am stupid (forever) . If stupid is another word for everything i missed, Then yes I am stupid.
Call me what you will. You'll never affect who I am. If you bring someone down, Your the stupid one. If you hurt someone in anyway, Your the stupid one. I'll stand up for those hurt people. I'll try and help the stupid ones. I'll try and promote peace however I can. One stupid person at a time.
So here I am, and here you are. We're stuck in this chaotic world together.
You pierce my lungs, my whole body goes numb. You watch as I fade away to nothing.
You said you'd love me forever, but there you go. Leaving me to wonder what I've done.
I said you'd never want another, but here I am wrong. Wondering what they have that I don't.
So here I am, and here you are. We'll die in this chaotic world together.
Rin Yamada
depressing poem?i think not,most would find it reality check!lol why cant i write happier poem,is there something wrong inside me?do i have depression?but in this crazy world,who dont?fuck it,i dont really care!lol
If I were a princess and you were a king, Would you make me your queen?
If I were a blood-sucking vampire And you were terrrified of anything human, Would you mind if I bit you?
If I were a beautiful flower and you were a bat, Would you eat me?
If I were anything in the whole world,Would you care and notice me?
Rin Yamada
do u like my drawing?
ok,let talk a lil about my weekend,i get so much rest at home now,i dont know what to do with myself,poem written,drawing done,what's next?i guess i dont appreciate free time much.lol,am i a werido?i feel almost like santa,lazy doing nothing much when i know i should do something more productive,and i was kinda moody again,anyway,tomorrow's a new day,and im sure it be better!(^_-)
at least i've gotton enough rest to last me a life time...
Yes,i am extremely sad for Thailand,what she have had became today,where is the thailand that i love so much?who is really at fault here?The thai goverment or the red shirt?
Im not a smart person when it come to polititcal issues,but what i know and strongly feel,if the red shirts carry on what they are doing now,they are not only destroying their country and unconsiously or maybe fully aware their very own loves one, families and children are suffering due to their action.
So i say STOP THE RED SHIRT!burn it all if possible!bring back the peaceful and wonderful thailand that so many people love!why bring so much unrest to the citizens and country!violence is never a solution!dont be fool that this is a peaceful protest!
I know my writting this blog would offend numberous people,but i just wanna speak my mind!if i could ever have a chance,i wish to fly to bangkok right now and stop the red shirt and make them see sense,but then i would be killed or gunned down or whatever violence they might use on me ,wont i? haha
My mom is still in bangkok,I pray to Jesus christ our god to keep her safe.
this amazing poem with you guyz cos it is so beautiful and when i read it,it's make me tears,i fall in love with it,maybe someday,i would like this poem to be read when i pass away...please enjoy this poem with me..
Do not stand at my grave and weep
Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there. I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there. I did not die.
Manicures and pedicures might be great ways to relax and kill some time. I'm quite glad I got my nails done after so long, even though I'm a kind of person who tries to avoid nail polish and nail polish remover if possible. I usually apply one coat of clear nail polish and that's it. How long do these beautiful manicures last on me? "4 DAYS!.....can u atually believe that?!" The whole process of this pampering manicures took me 4 hours and 52 minutes; sitting, waiting, and wishing that it could be done in half an hour. And the white nail polish dries really really slow... I know I'm sort of complaining right now but do not get me wrong. I really liked it (for at least 4 days of course)and i do feel pretty feminine!
Did you know that French Manicure were very popular in 1920s and 1930s, and even today it remains the most favored choice at the manicure cabinets in everywhere.
Last night I dreamed of chickens, there were chickens everywhere, they were standing on my stomach, they were nesting in my hair, they were pecking at my pillow, they were hopping on my head, they were ruffling up their feathers as they raced about my bed.
They were on the chairs and tables, they were on the chandeliers, they were roosting in the corners, they were clucking in my ears, there were chickens, chickens, chickens for as far as I could see... when I woke today, I noticed there were eggs on top of me.
Rin Yamada
ps, Sorry for not updating my blog in a while,i have been busy,busy with what?busy with everything so mudane it brought tears to my eyes.
someting i drew on a piece on a paper when i am fuckin bored
Yep that right!I am in love with strawberry jam!Home make strawberry jam that i made myself!haha,see,i have chronic insomnia like 2 to 3 times a month,and last night was it!
Again,nothing could make me sleep no matter how much i tried,i tossed n turned,finally i have this ideal of eating a strawberry toast,not any store brought one,as there are mostly sugar and not much fruits in it,i think about big juicy strawberry juices bursting in my mouth with every bite!
So i decided to make my own strawberry jam!Have i mention before that i love to cook and bake and create new recipes,esp when i am stressed up?Well,the thing is,cooking relaxes me.cooking and baking is like a form of art from my point of view,the taste,presentation..ect..i love creating!and of cos i cant deny i love the beauty of art!even when it come in a form of food!so here i am in love with my home make strawberry jam,i only made a bottle,and it finish in 3 doses.
Me,i was the first who eat them,then come my lil pumpkin sahyenne,and my cousin..like me,they love it too ;-) so i shall name my strawberry jam,3 doses of happiness,i need to make more so i can gift to the people i love and share my 3 doses of happiness!
look how lovely my strawberries is,i always have strawberries in my fridge,im a berries lover!
cutting,cooking creating art!
there!put it in a nice jar!
and me enjoying it!yum!even tho i was tired n sleepy by then but i still wanna eat it!
I remember crying in my sleep. I remember wiping my eyes on the care bear blanket my daddy brought me. The dream that made me unhappy in my girlhood sleep...
Yesterday have been kinda crazy for me,which i dont feel comfortabale to talk about just yet,but i had a good talk with one of my friend tho,and i wouldnt mind sharing,This was our topic..
*WHY WOMEN SHOULD BE INDEPENDENT?*
Being independent could actually profits both you and your man at the same time. Men always need his own space when he hangs out with friends, do his hobbies, and etc. Independent women usually have their own activities that could improve their thoughts to be smarter and definitely be more aware for their surroundings even if those activities of us, women, won't fit well with men's ones. (unless they share the same preferences set) It also means both sides has the freedom to do what they like.
I found a few good quotes here.
" Freedom is the will to be responsible to ourselves." - Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888
" There are two freedoms - the false, where a man is free to do what he likes; the true, where he is free to do what he ought." - Charles Kingsley
" The individual woman is required a thousand times a day to choose either to accept her appointed role and thereby rescue her good disposition out of the wreckage of her self-respect, or else follow an independent line of behavior and rescue her self-respect out of the wreckage of her good disposition."- Jeannette Rankin
Back to where we started. Independent also means financially independent. It's better and safer to find ways to protect ourselves financially. In another word, we manage what we earn. Today's world, women can achieve the same amount of money as men or even a better position than men. "Think positive. Be positive." I'm trying to tell myself that, especially when there is a sign of stress running though my head. Humans have always needed stress but not too much of it.
And another news,i have had make a major decision due to some changes in my life,i have decided to stay on in asia,and moving on to bangkok thailand,well to do what i have to do.I will definately update these on my blog from time to time,and most of all,i wanna thanks all my dear friends and my bro who always been here for me unconditionly and supported every decision i have made no matter how not rational sometimes it seem!
I love you dear brother!
isnt he's silly!lol
And everybody think my baby Santa is in need of a diet!what do u guys think?? (",)
Haha,im kinda fallen,but i'll be back up in no time!
Regardless if they are 3 or 30 years old,they are really just a lil kid at heart,lol why would i say that?first ,i live with a 4 year old lil kiddy cat name Santa..u tell me if he act like a kid or not!
acting all cute like a kid..
sulking like a lil kid..who couldnt get to eat his candies..
hiding under the cover like a lil kid!
sleeping with me like a lil kid!
Then there's my bro!
he thought he look all cute acting like a silly kid!lol
And then there is Francis..
Francis Chen: Hi. My name is Francis. I'm a Cancer... and I'm gonna put a baby in you.
who post nosensical stuff like this on facebook like a lil kid,lol
Ps, sorry baby,dont be mad!!it's just an example!lol.. See..all this..just prove,men regardless of what age they are,they act like a kid!pls dont get me wrong,it not a bad thing tho!cos i need them to act like a kid at time afterall so i can laugh like a lil kid! lol
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells And run my stick along the public railings And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain And pick flowers in other people's gardens And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat And eat three pounds of sausages at a go Or only bread and pickle for a week And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry And pay our rent and not swear in the street And set a good example for the children. We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Rin Yamada
Ps, Now im gonna scare away all my future husband wannabe..lol..not to worry,this is only written from the eccentric white woman point of view,as for us asian women,we ages old with dignity and pride..pls dont call me racist,if you will and want to call me something,just call me an proud asian woman.
I think that all higher animals - primates, mammalian and ornithic pets, etc. 'think' to a certain extent.
Why do I think? There is no alternative. I am condemned to think, To be obsessed with thinking— But so is my cat.
Rin Yamada
does my cat actually think??
This is what happen when im sick and cant do shit and bored outa my fuckin mind,lol Some of you might think i think too much,i admit i do esp when i have nothin to do,and when i am sick..im a lil delirious..lol..or maybe im just weird..
Im feelin slightly better now,but i still sound like a man!lol..i cant sing.. :( so when im not thinking,im practicing my guitar,and now my fingers are kinda hurting too..less than a week now till im back home,my bro called me and told me my dad brought me a new car,honda civic si coupe,totally not my style,i wonder if he gonna get mad at me if i do a trade in..
ps,
And daddy.if u r reading this now,i wanna say,it so sweet of u!i misses u and cant wait to see u! xoxoxo your daughter love you!
Yea,im sick right now,got the flu,fever,sore throat,cough,u name it i got it,im kinda drowsy and a lil high from the cough mixture as im writting this blog,i guess i dont have much to say now except..sickness be gone!im coming home in a week..i dont wanna be sick!I'll write again when im feeling better i suppose.
Update, I met a new friend who's is coming to La to do djing works..pretty kool person with a strange nickname radio spider ^^but still a nice person aferall..he is kinda funny too..
With eyes opened wide looked for the poor man; With no reservation at that late night Demanded 50 bucks to have his seat. What a pity!
The Postman:
A Gentleman! with sarcastic smile Stepped in; Candidates signature is must! Being the argument: Demanded 30 bucks to handover the call letter. What a pity!
The traffic Police:
Another Gentleman, with full rage Caught the first pray early in the morning, Grabbing the driving license, Demanded 300 bucks to return it. What a pity!
Rin Yamada
ps, Fuchsia Lane at ION art gallery 4th floor I really enjoyed the events and actually brought a dress,the designer is simply fabulous!he gave me gift just for attending,isnt its nice?
here are some of fabulous dresses he design..
and i brought this dress..dont ask me the price,but i got a pretty good discount for it!
And we went down to a Japanese restaurant near Fullerton hotel for a something to eat right after ION.
The food was really delicious, and the atmosphere made me want to stay there even longer..
hopefully i be back soon someday..
and Rex thanks for attending the event with me (^.^)
